The Boomer Couch

A Client in Need

Before you give your clients any advice, give them empathy

By Laurie A. Helgoe, Ph.D.

Remember all the talk about “emotional intelligence” in the mid-90s? Here was psychologist and boomer Daniel Goleman, appealing to our touchy-feely, “all you need is love” values, as well as our skepticism and hunger for truth. His book Emotional Intelligence effectively made the case: Emotional competence counts, not only in our intimate relationships, but also in how we measure up at work. Suddenly, corporate training programs were teaching employees how beef up their emotional IQ, while recruiters were looking beyond concrete skills to the subtleties of this dimension of intelligence.

Lately, I’ve found myself wondering if this was another motivational trend that had run its course, abandoned by many as too much to think about, and had failed to “soak in” to the average service provider. The launching of Advising Boomers—a magazine all about tuning in to the client—gives me reason to think otherwise. At the same time, I am struck by the number of times I have sought a little understanding from a service provider and found myself sorely disappointed. Here’s an example:

My husband and I had just come back from a cruise. We had saved and planned, purchased the range of appropriate attire, worked out and tanned and, of course, enjoyed fantasies of this hedonistic journey. The ship we chose was the largest in existence at the time, 100,000 tons of dazzling luxury. While my husband loved the ship experience with all of its activities, the scale of everything--including the number of passengers--left me stressed and disappointed. To my surprise, what I most enjoyed was getting off the floating city and exploring the islands.

So, post-excursion, I happened into a travel agency and inquired about smaller cruise lines with fewer passengers and a more relaxed feel. I mentioned that I had been on a huge ship and was disappointed. Right there, I gave the agent everything she needed to know to respond in a tuned-in and emotionally intelligent way. What she did, however, was to ask what ship I had been on. I told her, and she proceeded to tell me what a great ship that was and to talk about a trip she and her friends had taken on that very ship. I went a step further to help her understand, telling her that it had become stressful to dress for dinner every evening and to make small talk with other passengers. She gave me a strange look as if I were from another planet, and gradually moved from arguing with me about the benefits of a large ship to reluctantly answering my questions. It didn’t take me long to determine that this was an agency I would not do business with.

This interaction was a prime example of what emotional intelligence is not. If I were the agent’s supervisor, I would have provided her the following tips:

1. Set Yourself Aside. One of the most difficult lessons for service providers to learn is that a provider-client relationship is not an equal one. The client may ultimately provide money and/or less tangible rewards such as appreciation, but other than that, the client gets to be the one in need. When I, as the client, came in feeling disappointed in the considerable investment I had made in my cruise, the agent’s job was to attend to the my disappointment and to understand what I was needing from the agent. Often, the thing we are needing most is a little validation.

1. Get to Empathy. So what does this agent do if her experience was very different from her client’s? In my example, the agent enjoyed the ship. What the provider does in this case is ask more questions to facilitate understanding. Specifically, she could have said, “I want to be sure I understand what worked and didn’t work for you, so that I can help you find better options for your next trip.” Then she could have sat down with a pen and written down lists of plusses and minuses. When the client mentioned the stress of making small talk, the agent could have gone a step further and asked, “what was that like for you?” Maybe then she could have understood that, for a therapist, initiating conversations with strangers may feel too much like her work. In addition to gathering more information, providers can increase their empathy through “experience matching.” Even if the agent did not feel stressed during her cruise, she could probably recall a party or social experience that was stressful due to the protocol requirements and could use that experience as a basis for empathy.

1. Let the Client Lead You. Sometimes we fail to tune in because we try too hard to be the all-knowing expert. We pressure ourselves to provide answers before we even understand the problem. In my example, the agent quickly moved toward what she knew the most about, rather than taking the time to understand what I was looking for. Contrast this with the salesperson who accompanies a shopper to another store to help him find the item he is looking for. If a client takes you to new territory, you receive the gift of an expanded view. Ironically, by loosening the pressure we put on ourselves, we are better able to hear and respond to clients--and perhaps learn a few things along the way.

1. Attend to Yourself. It is not the job of your clients or your kids to take care of you. Yet, care in some form is absolutely necessary for you to be in a position to give. There is a reason why airlines instruct adults to breathe in emergency oxygen themselves before giving it to their children. Likewise, we require a good supply of emotional provisions in order to give them out. We need people in our lives who understand and listen to us, and sometimes we need that special “all about me” place called a therapist’s office. In addition to emotional care, it is important to find work we can be excited about. A good conference or training program can feed that excitement, though sometimes a change is necessary. We all know what it feels like to be stuck with someone who is burned out and hates her job. Remember, you aren’t doing anyone a favor by staying miserable. Misery does love company, and misery creates miserable company (and companies!).

As Boomers, we’ve seen the shift from full-service air travel to Pepsi-and-pretzels flights (if we’re lucky!). We may recall the days of getting our car windows washed at the gas station, while chatting informally with the serviceman. By now, we’ve gotten used to being treated as if we are interrupting by asking for help, and are genuinely surprised when someone gives us time and attention. I sometimes think our resulting frustrations are what land us at the coffee shop, reciting a list of intricate instructions on how to customize a latte. It may be a small way to obtain a personalized response, but when the product is exactly as we imagine, it is oh so sweet.

Laurie A. Helgoe, Ph.D. is a psychologist and author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) Penguin/Alpha, and The Anxiety Answer Book (Sourcebooks).  She practices and resides in Charleston, WV.  Dr. Helgoe can be reached through her website at www.wakingdesire.com.  

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